I am… The Butterfly

There are only a handful of photographs of me when I weighed almost 400 pounds.  

I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror let alone allow anyone to take a picture that would capture the image of myself I so deeply wanted to erase.

As I look at this picture my heart still aches as I remember the experiences the woman in bottom had to survive.  

I wanted to be invisible, unnoticed, I wanted to be untouched, but

all I accomplished was trading one type of abuse for another.

When I look at this picture, I remember pain.  

But I am also reminded of a quote I came across around that phase of my life that stated, “Once you learn to turn pain into power, everything changes.” So, as I look at this picture I am also reminded of when that decision of change was ultimately made.  

I embraced my pain, and reflected on the woman I was, the woman I am, and the woman I want to continue to be.  

I acknowledged that I am not just a daughter, or a wife, or a mother but I am an individual that matters, that is enough.  

I decided to accept my accountability on the things that only I have control over.

I have control over my life, only my eyes are the ones that matter, and I choose to surround myself with positive people that won’t try to extinguish the light that even to this day still flows into my wounds.  

That light birthed forgiveness and that forgiveness conceived peace.  

I see that peace in the woman at the top, but not just because she is 200 pounds lighter.